I have always been obsessed with my image, with other people’s perception of who I am. I think I am too fat, too short, teeth too crooked, hair too thin, nose too large….I over-tipped, not out of generosity, but because I cared what the waiter might think of me. I listened, as people raved endlessly about themselves, because showing interest made me likeable. I rarely walked past a mirror without a glance to ensure that everything was in order. The list of things I have done, because I cared to much about how I was perceived, goes on and on. I will ask you to trust me on this, but all this effort is too hard work. And it is ungrateful work.
I honestly don’t know why I strive so much to be liked. I actually thought that it was a common human trait, and that I was just really good at it. It is only when I looked through the possible roots of my addiction that I saw the desperation in me to control how i might be perceived. How hard I wanted to be liked and accepted.
Nowadays, my priority is my recovery. I don’t want to spend time and energy to be universally loved anymore. I want to be true to myself. People can now like me for who I am, not anymore for what I guess they might love me to be.
It does not mean that I will start wandering in rags, stop brushing my teeth and aim for the Guinness book of records of fattest person on earth. I still want to be healthy and still need to daily seduce my wife. I want to just drop all hypocrisy out of my life. I want to stop pretending for the sake of being accepted. I want to send back my steak if it is under or over-cooked. I want to stop trying too hard to place that joke that I just invented. I want to stop worrying what “they” might think if I did or said that. I want to stop planning my life like a chess game, several moves in advance.
I still need to change. There are parts of my personality, some defects of character that I don’t like and don’t want anymore in me. I want to change, because I believe that my life would be better. I want to change, because I believe that I will allow me to better live up to my ideals and it will be easier to follow my moral compas without these defects. I don’t want to change to make myself more acceptable. I want to change to live better with real myself.
If I got you to believe that I was a different person, I sincerely apologise, but that person is gone, hopefully never to return. I will spend my energy into being honest with you and with myself. I don’t want or need to be universally loved anymore. If you do want to love me, then don’t love me for what you want me to be, but love me for who I am and love me for the person I strive to become.
Recovery chronicles 