Early days!

I am still alive, sober and grateful.
Today is my 40th day sober, my 5th day out of treatment. And I am doing surprisingly well, thank you very much. I had some brilliant days, and more challenging ones. But all in all, I am actually enjoying life.

After my first rehab, I relapsed within 5 days. It was for me a life shattering, humiliating experience. But it shown me how deluded I was with myself and my capabilities. The 12 steps of recovery start with acknowledging powerlessness and unmanageability. At that time I understood the concept of powerlessness as an irresistible attraction. As I was still deluding myself of being super-recovered-man, I thought that it was just a matter of resisting the craving. Unfortunately it is wasn’t and still isn’t that simple. I already mentioned in a previous posting that my brain gets highjacked. I feel the need to clarify how that happens for me. It isn’t that I am all the sudden deprived of any decision and directed by a mysterious secondary brain. It is much simpler and yet more powerful than that.

You’ll really need to believe that I wanted badly to stop using and acting out. I wanted, wished it, prayed for it as hard as I could with my cortex. That is the part of the brain that is the command centre for conscious decision. It is the reasonable voice that weights option and takes educated decisions. This part is not the whole brain. There’s a second important one. Let’s call it the primal brain. It is the part that is responsible for my survival. It is the part that makes me jump backward, if a bus is risking to run me down. It doesn’t call a committee. It doesn’t vote on the multiple options offered. It just acts on sheer instinct. In moments of danger, command centre is immediately transferred to this primal brain that dictates survival actions.
My problem, which common to most addicts, is that the primal brain discovered a miracle cure for deep anxiety, sorrow, depression, exhaustion and the likes. This miracle cure is my poison of choice (that poison varies with the addict, from chemical drugs to alcohol, gambling, comfort food, sugar, shopping…). It is my primal brain’s “solution” for all sorts of bad situations.
I am committed to my sobriety. But I am also a human being. I get anxious, frightened, tired, hungry, lonely, miserable, depressed : I get confronted with life! When life becomes overwhelming, when the pain is unbearable, I move into survival mode. My command centre is transferred to my primal brain. The new command centre identifies the threat : an emotional breakdown, an impossibility to cope. It seeks the most efficient remedy and issues an overriding order to the cortex : “Get poison, at whatever cost. If needed, change your mind about the taboo of poison. Don’t think, weight options or consider it. Just get it by all means necessary”. It is as simple, as direct, as ruthlessly efficient as that.
My cortex doesn’t see it as a manipulation. It doesn’t doubt the soundness of the order. It just changes it’s mind. It knows that it changed its mind. It doesn’t even imagine that the change of heart is a bad decision. It doesn’t consider that it is weak willed. It just changed its mind. It uses all necessary means (manipulation, deceit, lies, theft, immorality…..) to get it. What follows is rather well documented. My primal brain is happy : it got the instant relief it sought. My cortex deals with the negative consequences, vows to never do it again, get overwhelmed with guilt, regret, shame disgust… Gets closer to panic again. By then, the stage is set for another infernal cycle.

In early days of my recovery, I am responsible for breaking that cycle. I have to continuously check my emotional load. I need to deal with my emotions in real time to avoid stressing my system by going in endless loops of resentment, anger, regrets… By looking into my feelings, identifying their source, giving them their due and be able to let go of them, instead of stacking them in my brain to the point of saturation. I need to renew, daily, my decision to not use or act up. I need to remember the dangers of not being clean and sober. In order to do that, I go to a meeting every day. In addition to renewing my resolve (as it might get eroded by my primal brain) It allows me to feel less lonely. It gives me a daily dose of hugs and welcome. It gives me the warm feeling that comes with encouragement and appreciation of my sobriety.

In my early days of sobriety, in my early days of getting out of treatment, I have looked into my feelings in real time. I accepted my role in brewing these feelings and was able to stop obsessing with them. I did not catch all the feelings in my “reasonable net”. But I caught enough of them them to avoid an emotional overload. I did that with the help of my sponsor by talking to him. I did that by calling the support helpline offered by my treatment centre. I did that by overcoming my angst and calling people from the Narcotic Anonymous fellowship that offered their phone numbers. I did this by writing in my blog, tweeting, emailing with my friend. I did this by communicating instead of indulging myself in isolation.

I did all that by working the 12 steps program to the best of my abilities. By doing that I broke my personal record of relapsing within 5 days of leaving treatment.
For doing that I deserve a hug and a pat in the back.